Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
