I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Just cropdusted the office
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
