my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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