party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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