I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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