I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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