I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
