On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
