I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
