Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Girls should come with a carfax report
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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