I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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