I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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