I faked an abortion last night.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
