I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
