after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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