my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
