there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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