u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
