I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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