I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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