chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
