I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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