Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
