My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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