It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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