I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
