I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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