If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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