I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Randomize
