i think i have two assholes
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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