hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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