Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
