i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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