I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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