Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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