Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
