Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
