You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
