I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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