Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
