Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
