i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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