Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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