She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
