Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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