I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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