I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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