My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
