Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
we're making bets on your personal life
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
