dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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